


Androids Only

by DiamondSketcher



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Gay Simon, Group chat, M/M, Multi, aroace nines, bisexual kara, bisexual luther, bisexual markus, but everyone fucked it up, connor is a gc slut, connor is always thirsty on main, gay af connor, gay sixty, markus just wanted to be professional, more tags as I go along, nines is so done with his brothers, sixty is also thirsty on main, the dpd thinks connor is inno, where do i even begin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-20
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-05 04:09:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25408195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DiamondSketcher/pseuds/DiamondSketcher
Summary: Markus just wanted a nice and normal group chat to keep up with his friendsYeah right
Relationships: Captain Allen/CyberLife Tower Connor | RK800-60, Hank Anderson/Connor, Josh/His hand, Kara/Luther (Detroit: Become Human), Markus/Simon (Detroit: Become Human), More as I go along - Relationship, Original Chloe | RT600/North, Upgraded Connor | RK900 & Gavin Reed
Comments: 7
Kudos: 67





	1. North fucks up the chat

_Markus added Simon, North, Josh, Connor, Kara, and Luther_

_Markus named the conversation “Android Relations Chat”_

Markus: Hello! I have created this group chat to help facilitate relationships all over. Connor is for the police, and Kara and Luther are for the ones in Canada.

North: lmao i hope you know how bad this is gonna end up

Markus: please don’t 

Josh: north for once can you be professional???

North: lmao wishful thinking

Kara: Hi! It’s nice to see you all! I’m very excited to be able to communicate with all of you!

Kara: and north, try something and ill tear your thorium pump out you bitch

Simon: holy shit Kara just gave me whiplash

Connor: I agree Simon, that was very unexpected of Kara

Markus: Hello Connor!

Connor: Hello Markus!

North: why the hell are the both of you so formal

North: like

North: we’re all friends here

Josh: no we’re not

North: we’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE

Connor: North has a point

Connor: im so goddam tired of being formal all the fucking time

Markus:

Markus: Connor

Markus: what the hell????

Simon: I’m right next to Markus and he’s just staring at his phone in pure shock

Simon: you broke him connor 

Simon: good job

Connor: it’s cause I’m so formal in my workplace and everyone treats me like i live under a fucking rock there they fucking forget that I have the whole entire internet in my head

Luther: damn go off

Kara: He’s alive!

Luther: what’s up

Markus: I

Markus: you know what

Markus: I tried being professional but that ain’t working

Markus: I’ve reached my limit

_Markus has changed North’s name to Goddamit stop threatening the senators_

_Markus has changed Simon’s name to babe <3_

_Markus has changed Josh’s name to pussy_

_Markus has changed Connor’s name to more bite than bark_

_Markus has changed Kara’s name to fuck you roomba_

_Markus has changed Luther’s name to big ol hunk_

_North has changed Markus’s name to No <3_

pussy: ok what the fuck markus 

more bark than bite: ill show you more bite than bark come fight me

more bark than bite: also why the fuck does Simon get a sappy name????

No <3: it’s cause he sucks my dick

babe<3: which you’re not going to get for the next few days

No <3: shit

fuck you roomba: hey what did I every do to you markus???? You’re grounded!

No <3: yes mom

_No <3 has changed fuck you roomba’s name to Mama Kara_

big ol hunk: what about me???

_more bark than bite has changed big old hunk’s name to Daddy Luther_

Daddy Luther: im literally begging you connor

Daddy Luther: anything BUT this name

more bark than bite: no ;)

babe<3: pass it on connor has a daddy kink

Mama Kara: i mean he is quite the daddy ;) ;)

more bark than bite: simon’s not wrong

more bark than bite: i mean

more bark than bite: have you SEEN lieutenant Hank “hunk” Anderson???

more bark than bite: he big bear

No <3: fucking hell connor stop thirsting on main

Goddamit stop threatening the senators: connor’s the twink sent by cyberlife uwu

_Goddamit stop threatening the senators has changed more bark than bite’s name to Harder Daddy~~_

Harder Daddy~~: north imma beat your lesbian ass

pussy: this chat needs jesus 

_pussy has named the conversation “connor is not allowed to be thirsty”_


	2. Connor is an asshole

_ “connor is not allowed to be thirsty” _

Harder Daddy~~: Hey can I add people

No <3: as long as they’re not humans

_ Harder Daddy~~ added necrophiliac and no dick please to the conversation _

necrophiliac: first of all, fuck you connor 

necrophiliac: and second, what the frickity frackity is this?

  
  


Harder Daddy~~: :)

no dick please: connor why 

Goddamit stop threatening the senators: who the flip are you two??

Goddamit stop threatening the senators: also

_ Goddamit stop threatening the senators changed their name to queen of the south _

necrophiliac: so concon has never mentioned us huh

necrophiliac: I see how it is

Harder Daddy~~: you are irrevelant

no dick please: what about me :(

Harder Daddy~~: you’re the good brother

necrophiliac: >:(

necrophiliac: I’m Silas, or sixty

no dick please: and I’m Niles, or nines

babe<3: yeah but WHO are you???

no dick please: we’re connor’s brothers

necrophiliac: I’m his twin doppelgänger

Mama Kara: CONNOR why didn’t you mention your brothers???

Daddy Luther: yeah why Connor?

Mama Kara: Luther stop copying me

Daddy Luther: yes kara 

No <3:  _ whip.mp3 _

Daddy Luther: I will rip apart your twunk ass markus

Harder Daddy~~: I never said anything cause then I would have to explain how fucking stupid they are

necrophiliac: says you

Harder Daddy~~: I’m not the one who decided it was a good idea to see how much thirium an android could take until they physically couldn’t drink anymore!

necrophiliac: excuse me you fucking idiotic dumabass

necrophiliac: you were the one who went with north and tried to set fire to that one politician’s house

No <3:  _ You two did what? _

no dick please: hey Connor and north

no dick please: what the literal fuck

pussy:  _ thERES TWO OF THEM NOW _

queen of the south: tHeReS tWo Of ThEm NoW-

Harder Daddy~~: yeah josh why so judgy

No <3: but seriously, I have to deal with North and her homicidal tendencies

No <3: but now I have to ALSO deal with Connor???

No <3: and Connor, you’re an officer!

Harder Daddy~~: so?

No <3: I

No <3: you know what

No <3: fuck all of you

No <3: bullied in my own chat

_ No <3 went offline _

queen of the south: high five Con we broke Markus

Harder Daddy~~: that’s two points for me

necrophiliac: and we have gone ignored

no dick please: as always

Harder Daddy~~: sounds like a you problem

Mama Kara: I don’t know about you guys, but I’m just chilling here watching this sibling drama play out

Daddy Luther: and I’m right next to her eating popcorn

Harder Daddy~~: can you share Daddy?

Harder Daddy~~: uwu pwease ^~^

_ babe<3 removed Harder Daddy~~ from the conversation _

babe<3: just doing rA9’s work

necrophiliac: hold on

necrophiliac: lmao Connors being a little bitch and begging me to let him into the chat

_ “Thing 1 and Thing 2” _

dick: hey let me back

dick: please

dick: I’m getting lonely

asshole: you sound like a dollar whore

asshole: or an ex begging to come back

asshole: you ain’t getting anything from me

dick: fuck you

_ “Twink and Twunk” _

lilcon: hey hey hey

lilcon: lemme back in

bigcon: no

_ bigcon blocked lilcon _

_ “Murder Duo” _

convict: north

convict: I’m begging you 

convict: please

convict: lemme back in

star: hm

star: what will you give me

convict: I

convict: I’ll give you the juicy details of when I get together with Hank

convict:  _ please _

star: the queen shall welcome back her subject

_ “connor is not allowed to be thirsty” _

_ queen of the south added Harder Daddy~~ to the conversation _

_ Harder Daddy~~ named the conversation “IM BACK” _

pussy: NORTH

no dick please: come on north

necrophiliac: why

babe<3: what did he give you

Daddy Luther: oh great he’s back

Mama Kara: be nice luther

Harder Daddy~~: ;)

No <3: I’m back and I already regret it

queen of the south: he gave me a gift I can’t turn down

pussy: hey sixty 

necrophiliac: ye

pussy: why is your name that?

necrophiliac: 1, Connor is an asshole

necrophiliac: 2, I work as the mortician at the DPD

babe<3: ok that is literally hilarious

babe<3: and nines?

no dick please: I’m aro ace

queen of the south: I hate to admit it but Connor has some pretty funny nicknames

Harder Daddy~~: finally someone admits it

  
  
  
  
  



	3. Simon is homophobic

_“DPD Bullpen”_

HAnderson: remind me why hasn’t this chat gone to shit?

JFowler: because, Hank, if it did, lots of people won’t be coming back to work

GReed: aw cmon captain, you think so little of us

JFowler: Evidence hasn’t shown me otherwise

Connor RK800: Sir, if I may, maybe it would be wise to let the different areas in the DPD have their own online conversation chat. For example, the morticians and the officer online conversations should be kept separate.

GReed: hey tincan you should remove that dumb stcik up ur ass

JFowler: Reed, I am warning you. Keep the chat clean

Niles RK900: I agree with Connor, that would be beneficial as to keep the respective information in the right categories.

CMiller: Thats a good idea connor

HAnderson: def agree

JFowler: Hank, type correctly

HAnderson: jeff, we are millennials

HAnderson: and im a bi disaster, why tf would i type correctly

GReed: oh, he doesnt get warned but i do????

HAnderson: privileges come with the rank reed

JFowler: Enough, the both of you

JFowler: Connor, I see where you are coming from and I think it is a good idea

TChen: noice idea connor as always ^-^

Connor RK800: Thank you Officer Chen

GReed: i dont believ youre like this all the time

Connor RK800: I am, and you should watch your grammar

GReed: im gay i cant spell

Connor RK800: That is no excuse, Detective Reed

HAnderson: can confirm he IS like this all the time

Connor RK800: Thank you Hank

Connor RK800: I will now resume my work

HAnderson: you do you connor

JFowler: Do your work too Hank

HAnderson: dammit

GReed: so your android is sucking your cock hank

Connor RK800: What do you mean by that, Detective Reed?

JFowler: _Enough_

* * *

“IM BACK”

Harder Daddy~~: yall are gonna listen to my shit now

Pussy: do we have a choice

Harder Daddy~~: no

Harder Daddy~~: anyways

Harder Daddy~~: everyone at the dpd thinks im naive and inno

Harder Daddy~~: even hank!

queen of the south: thats rough buddy

Harder Daddy~~: fuck off north i can feel your sarcasm this is urgent

babe<3: no one fucking cares connor

Harder Daddy~~: **@No <3**

No <3: what do you want

Harder Daddy~~: ur bf is being homophobic

babe<3: how tf am i homophobic if im gay????

Harder Daddy~~: i am gay and youre bothering me

Harder Daddy~~: therefore ur homophobic

_necrophiliac changed Harder Daddy~~’s name to dramatic bitch_

_necrophiliac changed their name to better rk800_

better rk800: ahhh, much better

dramatic bitch: rude

Mama Kara: silas did what we all wished we could do

Daddy Luther: He made him his bitch

dramatic bitch: rude

dramatic bitch: if im anyones bitch its hank’s

no dick please: connor stop being a dumb hoe

no dick please: you were just ranting about hank not seeing you as his bitch

dramatic bitch named the conversation “rude ass dicks”

better rk800: if only your coworkers can see you for the bitch you are

better rk800: then they wouldnt be cooing over how sweet and inno you are

dramatic bitch: i literally ranted how much i hate that you floppy dick

queen of the south: please dont ever call someone a floppy dick ever again please

dramatic bitch: no :)

Mama Kara: connor

Mama Kara: be a good boy and listen to me

dramatic bitch: yes kara

Mama Kara: you better shut your whore mouth about floppy dicks or ill tear your jaw from your chassis so that you wont be able to lick any more floppy dicks

Daddy Luther: thats my babe

dramatic bitch:

dramatic bitch: well when you put it like that

dramatic bitch: sure

dramatic bitch: aw hell my mommy issues are flaring up again i gotta dip

_dramatic bitch went offline_

babe<3: peace and quiet for at least 10 min now

babe<3: thank you rA9

pussy: no chili huh

No <3: chili

babe<3: chili

queen of the south: chili

Mama Kara: chili

Daddy Luther: chili

better rk800: chili

No dick please: chili

pussy: you know what

pussy: i dont need all this homophobia

pussy: see ya hoes

_pussy went offline_

queen of the south: yikes


End file.
